A girl in her early twenties referred to her mother as the “Dungeon Master”

Guy 1: “I heard she’s doing missionary work now”
Guy 2: “Well, I’m not sure about what position”

It really happens in real life...

Sorry for the hiatus, the economy is bad and apparently all the funny people can’t afford to eat out. Jk ;]

Male Friend: “So my daughter is going to be 9.”
Girlfriend: “I thought your daughter was older?”
Male Friend: “I have one that’s 21 also.”
Girlfriend: “How many kids do you have?!”
Boyfriend: “I’m mad that you’d even say something like that. You act like my friend has a bunch of random kids everywhere.”

...

(a few minutes later)

Male friend: “So this lady thinks that I’m the father of her kid.”
Girlfriend: “You need to at least be with her when she delivers it and you know for sure if it is yours of not. No one should have to go through that alone.”
Boyfriend: “Geez you act like he’s never been through this before!!”
Male Friend: “Yeah, the last one thought it was mine but it turned out not to be.”

- "They'll have to pry my iPhone from my cold, dead hands"

- "I have something called a girlfriend."

-“What’s more important, eating dinner or the Laker game?”
(There was no response from the other person, so I think we can all assume the latter.)

-“You’re a manwhore!!”
(Said following a guy taking his shirt off in the middle of dinner. It was a dare, by the way.)

-Guy 1: “I think I was drunk that night.”
Guy 2: “But you’re always drunk.”

-“How do you spell ‘left’ not like my ‘left’ hand but like, I ‘left’ to go somewhere.”

- Guy 1: "She's not my type"
Guy 2: "What's your type then?"
Guy 1: "Not single."

-"Just be nice and polite, but don't be yourself."

- Guy 1: "...it's ok, I got the bill, you have two kids on the way."
Guy 2: " Yeah, that I know about at least."

"When's the wet t-shirt contest?" (said upon a woman spilling water down the front of her white t-shirt.)

- Guy 1: “How was the 3D movie?”
Guy 2: "I don't know, I couldn't pay attention because of DD a few rows down."

- Mother: "Wow, that sauce is really spicy!!"
Daughter: "You must not be a real Mexican."

- Guy: "I want some cock sauce."
Girl: "What?"
Guy: "You know, cock sauce."
*blank stares all around*
Guy: "You know the one with the green cap and rooster..."
Girl: "Sriracha sauce? It has a name you know. You're the only one that calls it cock sauce."

- “I’m going to start having to sell my body to pay for my bills.” (A guy said this, fyi)

- “So apparently they don’t do the turn-and-cough thing anymore.”

- “I didn’t do anything she didn’t deserve.” (When one guy asked another guy if he ever cheated on his girlfriend)

- “I don’t want to find someone to grow old with; I want to find someone young to grow old with.”

- “I hate it when you pull up at a stop light and there’s a hot chick next to you and then in the backseat you see a baby car seat.”

- (On Valentine’s Day): Girl: “hahahaha your fly is down!!”
Guy: “Your fault!!”

- Guy 1: “Wow, that’s really spicy. Did you hear that, my voice got deeper?”
Guy 2:”Yeah, maybe spicy Thai food will help you grow a pair.”

- “I’m telling you man, Whole Foods is the place to meet girls; they’re hot and healthy.”